STRENGTH

STRENGTH

I've always been an anxious person, it's just who i WAS. Anxiety was something i had suffered with for a very long time and silently at that. I remember how the unknown would cripple my mind, my emotions and even my breathing (LORD, that was hard). My nails were evidence of my silent suffering and unending appetite for peace of mind. I guess its safe to say that ANXIETY doesn't live here anymore, i don't know how it happened, all i know is that i don't miss it and good riddance.

I see and hear struggles of people dealing with anxiety and i wish i could easily give a solution but its impossible because anxiety has various triggers and i believe in my case, it stemmed from emotional issues that i was yet to deal with. I must admit though, it wasn't an easy process but it has been a deeply gratifying journey, i can equate it to the first warm sun rays shining on your face in the morning, or that feeling i would get when i bit my nails, or a bird being set free, or getting that text and call I've been waiting on, or the first bite of a burger, or the feeling of chugging down a coca cola, or that feeling of a warm bed sheet on a cold day and or receiving that acceptance letter you've been praying and waiting on. 

The MIND is an amazing thing, the ability to conquer my fears and weaknesses and master my strengths, i KNOW is the greatest gift this weight loss journey has given me, more than the physical transformation. No more excuses, no more lying to myself, no more self inflicted barriers and just no more BULLSHIT. More than anything, we owe ourselves honesty, its the hardest thing to do because you have to confront the ugly, guilty parts you've been hiding so well and now you have to face them ALONE for what they are and learn to FORGIVE yourself. You have to accept the roles you played and take responsibility for your mistakes and learn from them. Its a process that was filled with many nights of tears, prayers and the best thing after is knowing you have another day to rewrite the chapters in your life all over again, only this time with no baggage. 

Someone the other day who hadn't seen me post surgery, asked me if i felt like a new person and i screamed HELL YES, i remember who i was before but this here and now is foreign to me, i still love the old me but i love the new me better. I sometimes feel like i'm having an out of body experience especially when dealing with situations, the old me would've been impulsive and emotional but now i just deal with the ISSUE not the person. For those who know me understand that i had anger issues, where from? I don't know but i don't remember the last time i was ANGRY and let me tell you when i was ANGRY, it was for no survivors left behind. I would destroy everything and everyone in my way and i was very hurtful with my words because i was the no gloves on type of chick. Now i understand the power of words and the ability they have to grow and nurture good or destroy. The saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never" is a HUGE lie. We are human and what we say has weight over our relationships and mental health hence its important for us to guard our thoughts and speech as they build or destroy. Nevertheless, our mistakes and adversities should serve as building blocks to constant self improvement and you alone are responsible for your reactions to situations. 

I have also become very selfish in who or what i let in my space and i have no apologies for that. Jealously guard your peace of mind, your efforts and thoughts from negativity and speak into existence the life you need and deserve. 

I remember having a conversation with a very good friend of mine on what this weight loss has done for me mentally and emotionally and his views on the world i would say are shared by many on how the world is a cruel place and that i should be careful with my emotional engagements and i remember saying to him, I have made peace with being that person that will offer love, trust and be good despite all the odds because i will not allow other people or experiences to influence my outlook on life. I choose to make the world a little brighter and warmer, i choose to give rather than receive because i believe the energy you put out is what you reap. So i choose to be kind, non-judgmental and offer a helping hand to anyone in need of what i can offer. The world is already soo messed up and there's all these issues that can easily drown you into a wallowing pit of self pity but i made the choice to see the good and beautiful in everything whilst appreciating all the bad. Good and bad must co-exist for us to appreciate the absence of the latter. 

Whatever you choose to be in this world is up to you, but there's something beautiful in choosing to be KIND and GENEROUS and FORGIVING. I swear to you, it pays up and when it does, you'll look up into the SKY and say i know that's you GOD. So here's to rebirths, fighting personal demons, conquering fears and shedding all sorts of weight. To all of you out there dealing with issues, you are not the sum of  your problems rather a product of how best you choose to deal with them, i wish you strength, patience and love. 

                                                                 Smile Its Sunnah. 

With Love Khadija Iman